My 2026 started with the death of my grandfather and the end of my first long-term relationship.

So in the first month and a half of the year, I believe I have probably experienced every emotion known to man; if I have not, I sure wish that I never have to. 

As my grandfather deserves his own post, I intend to focus on what I can learn from my first relationship and what I should know or do in the future. 

I know that my relationship ended for the best, I do, but that does not change the fact that I felt obliterated.

It was out of my control, and it ended abruptly, leaving me lost. In the following week, I cried so much I made myself sick, I threw up multiple times, and I probably lost five pounds. 

It hurt to feel like I had been discarded, even though the person who had done so claimed he still loved me. I did not feel that love, however, for how could I if he had let me go so easily? 

So now I have to ask myself what went wrong and what I need to do in the future. 

Now, after your relationship ends, you learn the perspective that those outside your relationship had. For me, it was a shock. I was so stuck trying to make it work that I did not stop for a second to think about how my friends were viewing me. 

It turns out that they thought I was constantly in the trenches, that I had lost some of my prior personality.

Why?

Because I was constantly begging someone not to take me for granted, and although I am sure he did not intend to make me feel that way, he did.

I often felt like I was asking for too much, which I was not. I asked to be taken on dates, I asked for him to communicate with me more, and I asked to be appreciated more. I felt like I was not being treated like a girlfriend, but instead someone he just sometimes hung out with, and well, was intimate with. It scared me. 

However, I was also comfortable with him. He knew everything about me, and being so vulnerable made me think something like that couldn’t end. I thought if I left, I could never find someone who would handle me, or who would want to handle me.

Let me get this straight, it was not as if I was without fault in this relationship either. I, unfortunately, am so afraid of people disliking me that I constantly need reassurance. If we did not communicate for a while, I thought he was mad at me; therefore, I shut down. I would spiral into an abyss in which I thought of all the nasty things he could think about me (in reality, I was thinking that way about myself). 

And then I would not reach out,  causing him to encounter a mess of my emotions when he finally asked how I was doing. 

It is not his responsibility to deal with that. In fact, it is my responsibility to learn to be more confident in myself, and not think that someone hates me just because they are busy. 

So… where do I go from here? 

Well, here is what I have to make sure I do the next time I enter a relationship:

1. Realize that I am not asking for too much. I know what I want, I like going on dates, I like flowers (and even buy them for myself sometimes), I like being posted, and I love quality time. 
2. I am not too much to handle. If I overwhelm someone, that is not the person for me. My vivacity and enthusiasm are products of the love of my parents. I will find someone who not only matches my energy but also lifts me. 
3. I have to learn to be comfortable with myself. This is the most important one. I need to not depend on anyone else for confidence or validation. I need to be comfortable with who I am and how I think. I need to learn to be comfortable being alone with myself. Whether that means trying new solo activities that make me happy, or just taking more time for myself to realize who I am and what I want. 

In the end, this relationship taught me just how much I am capable of in a relationship. I know that I can communicate, and I know that I am very affectionate. In the end, I finally started communicating how I felt and what I needed, and so now I can start doing that from the very beginning. 

One day, I will find someone who loves the way I love, and so will my former paramour. 

Does it have to happen now?

No. I am still young, and I am still learning how to live as an adult.